Not My Idea of Marriage

Marriage. It is supposed to be a beautiful union of man and woman in a celebratory act of sharing their life together. Then why is my marriage not beautiful or celebratory? In fact, it is down right hell!

I relate my marriage to the broken home I grew up in – filled with animosity, antagonism, anger, absent communication, frustration, needling or poking of feelings, disrespect, and a lack of family and love.

At this point in time, after one previous marriage already, I think marriage is not for me; it is not something that suits me.

Like any other couple, my wife and I had our ups and downs, smooth roads and rock roads, joys and displeasures, tests of our commitment, and arguments. However, things between us have not improved. On the contrary, things have only worsened after our wedding.

In the beginning, we both established some ground rules – things that will not be acceptable, will not be tolerated, and is grounds for separation.

Her ground rules:
1. Infidelity, aka cheating, or sexual relations with another
2. Physical abuse

My ground rules:
1. Refusing me sex at any time for any reason – sex is neither a tool or a reward to be used against a man, and, regardless of who initiates intimacy, it is my decision whether we have sex
2. Harming my child or placing my child in harm’s way
3. Infidelity, aka cheating, or sexual relations with another without my consent
4. Physical abuse, such as striking in anger
5. Verbal abuse, such as yelling or screaming in anger
6. Antagonism in our relationship
7. Animosity in our relationship
8. Stealing from me
9. Lying to me, with discretion to “some things are better left not said,” however a follow-up question with directness requires a direct answer
10. Consistently questioning my good judgment
11. Disrespectful conduct
12. Open insubordination to me

She has not stolen from me, struck me in anger, or, to the best of my knowledge, cheated on me. However, a single incident three years ago when I answered her cell phone per her request invoked some very peculiar and nervous behavior from her. She snatched the phone from away from me, proceeded to inform the person who asked for her by name that he had called the wrong number, and then erased any trace of the call from her cell phone. Peculiar behavior, yes, but since I still do not have any conclusive evidence to verify anything of that strange incident, I still trust her fidelity. I am one who allows a person to dig their own hole, but I will kick in the dirt on top of them.

I have never struck her in anger nor had sexual relations outside our relationship. Yet, she persists on breaking my ground rules despite my efforts to speak with her. I feel I am left with no other choice than to dissolve our relationship.

The dissolution of our marriage is really not what I want to do, but what is someone to do when the spouse continuously persists at “pushing your buttons” and riding the fine line between acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior?

Allow me to set the stage for explanation.

We dated for a little over four years, with a few break ups within that time, before I proposed to her on her birthday a year ago. While we were dating, she and I had sex anytime I wanted and anywhere I wanted; her only request was no anal sex. Disappointed, I accepted her terms. To her credit, she tried it a few times and found it to be very painful. On the other hand, she finds vaginal sex painful, too, because she says I am too big, which will lead to other problems as you will learn with further reading.

In the beginning, she voiced an interest in experimenting with different sexual fantasies, such as: lesbian sex, group sex, BDSM, role playing, exhibitionism, anal sex (which we tried and ruled out), and bi-sexual sex. She and I did have an encounter with one of my old girlfriends that would qualify for lesbian sex, group sex, and bi-sexual sex. Additionally, she and I did have sex in front of some friends a few times – once, a couple had sex right beside us, but we did not trade – which would qualify as exhibitionism. However, these have been our only adventurist sex. I am frustrated with this because I am very sexual person and enjoy sex at least two or three times a day.

In was probably in our third year of dating that she started with “recuperation” time. Once more, because she says I am too big for her, she said she required time to feel better, again, before we could have sex. You see, when we first started having sex, we both worked full-time and she was going to college, so we only saw each other on the weekends and usually fucked a lot. Because she did not move in with me until our third year of dating, we saw each other when our schedule permitted, usually one time in the week in addition to weekends. Still, we had more sex then, when we saw each periodically, then when we moved in together. Our sex dropped from about three nights a week to one night a week or week and a half. The frequency of our sex stayed consistent at one night a week to a week and a half until my marriage proposal. After that our sex dropped to one night every other week or less. And in marriage? Well, we have been married for 43 days and have had sex only once since the wedding night. For clarification, we did have sex on our wedding night.

Everybody is getting sex. The only consideration is how and from where/whom? For married couples, the answer is masturbation and/or adultery, or abstinence. I can not abstain from sex, but she has no problem doing so. And, it seems to me that her idea of marriage is abstinence. I think she focused too much on the ceremony and not enough on the marriage. A ceremony lasts for a day, but marriage lasts as long as you make it last.

I thought that maybe all of the craziness and demands of planning and saving to pay for the wedding was an influence on our sex life. Without explaining the previous lack of action, I figured the wedding had dampened things and it would pick up after the wedding.

I was wrong.

Since our wedding, she has been on a bitch-rollercoaster; nice to me for a few days, and then a bitch for the next couple of weeks. For what? What is a good enough reason to do so?

She has a habit of dumping her shit on me. For instance, if she has a bad day at work, she comes home, brings the bullshit home with her, and projects her displeasure (with what ever caused it) through her conduct with me. My numerous conversations regarding this conduct has apparently gone without affect.

Just two days ago, she refused me sex when I approached her. I even asked her, “Are you giving me a straight up no or a straight up yes?” Her reply was no. That is a refusal of sex to me, which is one of my ground rules. Her reason: she was not in the mood. Her excuse: “I thought you told me to tell you if I was in the mood or not.”

She left this morning for work without saying goodbye or anything else, not even letting me know she was leaving. And, she has been doing this kind of behavior for months, now. The other day, I approached and asked, “Should I give you the courtesy of letting you know where I am going?” She answered, “You don’t have to.” So, it seems she has taken it upon herself to remove the courtesies we have always had in our relationship. Courtesies I have always stressed to be necessary.

Just now, while I am writing this on my laptop so I can transfer it to my blog, she comes home and cooks herself something to eat. It has always been our custom to always offer a snack or a meal to the other when one of us is hungry. Again, she is disruptive. This is not the first time she has cooked for herself without offering. Perhaps I should stop, but then I would become just like her and I would lose certain elements of my character by doing so.

There is nothing wrong about reading and I do not fault anyone for having the love of reading. However, my wife will sit and read all day, every day, to the point of not interacting with anyone else in the family. Previously, she and I had agreed that she would not read on the weekends, Friday through Sunday, because my son and I were forced to spend our weekends without her. Now, I can understand if she wants to read, but it is the only thing she does. She should have married a book or a library!

I wish I had bought her and saved the receipt, so I could return her and get my money back.

What are your thoughts on my conundrum/dilemma?